WWE MONEY IN THE BANK: Bankrupt

HOW TO STAGNATE: THE FEUD

Well it has been two weeks and for my two followers I apologise for the wait as well as the missed episodes of Raw and NXT... among whatever else. But I watched MITB and, well, it was fucking awful.

Unlike my other REVIEWS, I feel inclined to actually state my thoughts on the entire show as a whole and not just every match and segment. So I'll do that. Coming up next!

Overall, considering every wrestler and every past feud/match they've all beein in, in the last couple of months, the show was complete fucking nonsense. If you somehow don't realise this allow me to explain...

The MITB winner can't win the Intercontinental Championship Chamber match, but wins the MITB, and easily just rips at Neville's hair to throw him off.

Oh and New Day can't count, apparently.

The divas match was awfully booked as always. None of it made any sense and giving divas longer matches but with equally shitty endings doesn't help at all.

Show/Ryback was skipped, but the ending just has Miz force a double disqualification. What was the fucking point?

Cena gets his win back, again. People mark at him using "new moves" despite botching every fucking one of them.

The Primetime Players win against the New Day after zero build on Raw at all. Despite deserving the title run they had no reason to be thrown into the match and win.

And the main event was boring as hell, WWE ruined a real money feud by having it play out so much, it didn't even live up to the lack of hype, and it went way too goddamn long.

MITB overall just showed how bad WWE really is right now. What's funny though is you always get people complaining about how bad it is when it's not even that bad. When it's passable, people whine about half the show being so bad that everything is unwatchable. When it's actually bad, people will find one thing (ironically probably Cena/Owens which was pretty shit) that validates their thoughts on the show being "good", or again, at least passable.

I figure I'll elaborate more on these matches and why they made no sense.

R-TRUTH vs. KING BARRETT

For no reason whatsoever

'didn't even watch it'

THE KING OF THE RING IS ON THE PRE-SHOW AND LOSING TO A JOBBER. That's it.

SHEAMUS vs. NEVILLE vs. ROMAN REIGNS vs. KANE

vs. KOFI KINGSTON vs. DOLPH ZIGGLER vs. RANDY ORTON

MONEY IN THE BANK LADDER MATCH for the WORLD CHAMPIONSHIP CONTRACT@

'passable'

The match wasn't bad in any way but it wasn't exactly good either. The whole formula of taking a number of guys out of the match so two guys can swap spots around is so tired and lame now. Why can't these multi-man matches have more than just one thing happening at once? The camera can view the whole fucking ring, it's not that hard.

Okay spots. Nothing special. Wow Roman Reigns gets the big strong spots! Orton hits RKOs outta nowhere! Kofi takes the brunt of the big spots! Neville hits the Red Arrow! And that was it.

Everything was expected except Sheamus winning, which in hindsight might not be so surprising seeing as WWE enjoy booking the briefcase holder pretty shitty.

BAD BOOKING EXPLANATION:

Sheamus can't even win singles matches against most of the people he faced, at least, on Raw (currently the only show that really matters anyway), and he lost at Elimination Chamber cleanly to Ryback, but then pulls out a pretty strong looking win out of his arse at MITB. And I expect his "push" to be no different than he has been from his return.

Bray Wyatt "saving" the match was surprising and yet still for negative reasons. Why the fuck this guy just constantly interrupts matches as ways to start feuds is unknown to me, and why people think it's acceptable I'll never know. All he does is get left off a card, attack a guy in a match and have a shitty feud with the same kinds of promos every time. Fuck it, do something different already, he debuted almost two years ago.

PAIGE vs. NIKKI BELLA (c)

For the WWE Divas Championship

'bad'

I think in a way it's kind of unfair to blame the divas themselves for these matches. I mean, increasing match time doesn't automatically equal better matches nor does it mean the wrestlers in those matches are automatically good at these long matches.

Nikki being almost entirely unable to make a near-fall look like it's a legitimate near-fall is obviously one thing that you can't always just blame her for. She has improved very well in the ring but she always gets her shoulder up on a near fall way, way closer to two than three. That's not entirely her fault though, like I said, you can't expect someone to know how to make a long match good when they haven't had many or proper training in them.

That's the entire reason these main roster divas matches are still average at best, all of them outside of the few that have wrestled lengthy matches (mostly in NXT) have no idea how to execute matches longer than what they're used to, and it's more on booking and the lack of training than on them, as Nikki for example, has improved dramatically since her return and skyrocketing to champion.

BAD BOOKING EXPLANATION:

Apart from the fact the twin magic thing is stupid as fuck right now considering how different they look, and the fact everyone knows that, they can't even do it properly. They put the effort into the fake tits and then Brie even shows off her tattoo, but she has her hair up in a ponytail the whole time and doesn't think to even take it down? Far out.

And as far as I know, executing any kind of offensive manoeuvre - like a punch or a SMALL PACKAGE PIN - results in a disqualification. Ultimately the champion would've still been the champion, but the outcome should've been different with Nikki being DQed.

Oh and the quick changes of face-to-heel in this division is the worst.

BIG SHOW vs. RYBACK (c)

For the WWE Intercontinental Championship

'I ate dinner'

I was having curry and didn't want to waste my time with this match, so I just made it while it was on. Saw Miz force the double disqualification though which was stupid, but yea, no idea what happened nor do I feel the need to know.

BAD BOOKING EXPLANATION:

The Intercontinental Champion who defeated two guys who were in the MITB match wasn't in it himself, but the guy who lost to him cleanly for the IC Championship won it. Good job WWE.

JOHN CENA vs. KEVIN OWENS
Because who needs an established guy that Cena just can't beat?

'Overdone as fuck'

If this match ended about fifteen or so minutes in and didn't go for near twenty minutes, I would say it was decent. Not great, not good, but decent. But I seriously consider this barely better than average for so many reasons. I have no idea how anyone can seriously say they enjoyed the match overall at all. There are so many transparent attempts at liking Cena or attempting to look 'cool' by liking his wrestling ability because he has long matches on the forum these days.

Let me preface the review with: John Cena is a decent wrestler already. Adding moves into his repertoire that he can't fucking perform without botching doesn't make him any better, it makes him worse if anything different.

Cena can't dropkick but he does it. The springboard stunner makes no sense, it looks like shit and he even botched it this match. And when trying the Yoshi Tonic he almost fucked it up so badly that even Owens looked bad for letting him continue.

His dropkick is bad, don't give him props for being shit at it, he has wrestled for over a decade.

His springboard stunner is a piece of shit move that is literally one of the worst on the fucking show.

That attempt at the Yoshi Tonic doesn't deserve a single positive mention because he could barely do it against Kevin fucking Owens and made them look bad. Also, don't act like it's incredible, 44-45 year old Goldust who is much taller than Cena pulled it off perfectly all the time but got nothing for it.

The match itself was okay, seriously nothing special and definitely not living up to the hype just like the last one barely did. Owens outdone Cena in every aspect, stealing his signatures was a great touch and I think a lot of heels should do that more often.

Cena botching made it suck at parts, and Cena winning made it suck even more.

BAD BOOKING EXPLANATION:

Owens didn't win. That's the only reason it sucked and the only reason it needs. Instead of letting undoubtedly one of the best new faces in WWE defeat Cena two times in a row and possibly being the only guy Cena has never defeated is apparently too difficult for WWE to do, or, maybe they just think without Cena, people won't watch, or something. He's fucking important but he's not so goddamn important he can't lose and never beat just one guy.

THE PRIME TIME PLAYERS vs. THE NEW DAY (c)

For the WWE Tag Team Championships

'did what it did'

So either team winning would've been great, although personally I would've preferred the NEW DAAAY to be victorious and keep up their freebird run with the titles because that always makes things interesting. PTPs deserved a good run with the titles ages ago, and now that Darren Young doesn't sport a retarded afro, they deserve it just as much, but booking didn't reflect that and therefore I really couldn't get behind the win altogether.

BAD BOOKING EXPLANATION:

There wasn't really any bad booking of the match but the lack of a lengthy match really sucked. Take off like 10 mins from the main event and give it to the tag division, wow, is it that difficult?

DEAN AMBROSE vs. SETH ROLLINS (c)

For the WWE World Heavyweight Championship

...and to add a final nail in the coffin of what once looked like a promising feud

'passable'

There's no way I am dissecting thirty five minutes of boredom.

Give us a ladder match, make it as if it's a submission match. Technically and entertainment-ally(???) sound, sensible in every way, but fuck me thirty five minutes of a match that was inevitably going to be Rollins winning makes it all pointless. There's no point in making a match go for so long, or have such intricate limb-picking, if the winner is obvious, or there's no real pay off.

It felt like they were trying to recreate Austin v Hart at WM13 for some reason, and not just because of the figure-four on the pole, but because it felt somewhat similar, except the problem was that there was no goddamn pay off. Ambrose was already a good guy. Rollins was already a bad guy.

Sympathy isn't something that WWE should be going for for Ambrose either. He sells great, obviously, but you don't need the face to have some kind of sympathy going for him. Ambrose can easily sell his opponents offense but still be booked strong and "bad-ass"-ish, not sympathetic.

BAD BOOKING EXPLANATION:

Way too long.

No payoff.

Why kill this feud so quickly???

I really have no idea how this event could be considered decent. The only surprising outcomes made no fucking sense (see: Sheamus, Cena) one way or another, and nothing stood out at all. It would've been average if things made sense. Without making sense I can't see how that'd make it better than average...